For a long time, chemistry has been treated as the gold standard of romantic truth. If it’s instant, intense, magnetic, and your body reacts before your brain can catch up, it’s magic.
We’ve been conditioned to believe chemistry is real and rare. That’s the narrative we’ve inherited from decades of love songs, rom-coms, and well-meaning friends who tell us, “You’ll just know.”
If it gives you butterflies and feels like a movie, then surely it must mean something. But more and more people, especially women, are beginning to question this script.
As we decenter men and start re-examining our relationship patterns, one uncomfortable question is bound to surface multiple times – what if a lot of what we’ve been calling chemistry is actually anxiety?
Why “Sparks” Are Problematic?
Culturally, we’ve been taught that chemistry is supposed to be dramatic.
It’s the rush of adrenaline when you see their name pop up on your phone. The feeling of being consumed. Obsession, butterflies, and a rollercoaster. We’ve all been there.
But under that surface, what we often describe as chemistry is something else entirely.
Think about how your mood shifts based on whether they reply. You replay conversations, trying to decode what they meant, as if it’s a message extracted from a Bombe machine.
You feel pulled toward them, even though something about the dynamic feels unsteady. That leans more towards survival mode than love.
From a nervous system perspective, this is what happens when you’re dealing with emotional inconsistency or unavailability.
When someone’s behavior is unpredictable, your body stays on high alert. You’re alert, on edge, waiting for cues, trying to stay emotionally “ready.”
That heightened attention isn’t a sign of compatibility; it’s a response to unpredictability.
In other words, what you’re calling chemistry is your nervous system bracing for emotional whiplash.
Why Does Anxiety Feel Like Connection?
Anxiety can be incredibly compelling because it mimics excitement. It can raise your heart rate, sharpen your focus, and feel energizing.
But it also comes with a destructive edge; a subtle but constant sense of fear: fear of rejection, fear of being too much, fear of losing the connection before it even begins.
When your self-worth is tied to how someone else perceives you, those feelings feel familiar, and that’s often the trap.
If you grew up learning to equate love with instability, then chaos can feel like a spark.
Being drawn to emotionally unavailable people isn’t because you enjoy pain. It’s because somewhere along the way, inconsistency became the blueprint for intimacy.
So What Now?
One of the most radical things you can do in your healing journey is to shift the question from “How does he feel about me?” to “How do I feel in my body when I’m around him?”
This reframing changes everything. Instead of fixating on his level of interest, you start noticing your own internal state.
Are you relaxed or tense? Are you present or performing? Are you expanding or shrinking?
When men are no longer the axis around which your self-worth spins, a lot of old patterns begin to fall apart.
You begin to see how many of your past “connections” were really just trauma loops.
They weren’t grounded in mutual understanding but built on your nervous system trying to manage someone else’s inconsistency.
“Why Does This Healthy Person Feel Boring?”
This is one of the most common experiences people have when they start dating from a more regulated place.
You meet someone kind, respectful, and consistent, and you feel nothing. Where’s the rush? Where’s the tension? Where’s the thrill of chasing?
If you’ve been conditioned to associate love with emotional labor, calm will feel unfamiliar and even boring. That boredom is usually just the absence of chaos. Healthy connection doesn’t:-
- Spike your cortisol levels.
- Demand that you earn safety.
- Ask you to decode mixed messages.
Instead, it offers steadiness and builds trust through clarity, and that can feel deeply disorienting at first, especially if you’ve confused unpredictability with passion.
What Does Real Chemistry Feel Like?
Real chemistry, the kind rooted in safety, might not knock the wind out of you. It might not flood your nervous system with adrenaline. But it also won’t leave you questioning your worth. Real chemistry:-
- Feels open, not confusing.
- Grows slowly, not urgently.
- Invites you to stay in your body, not abandon it.
There’s no constant guessing, obsessive overthinking or emotional gymnastics. It doesn’t require you to shrink or contort yourself to be chosen.
You don’t have to work for it or chase it. The more you heal, the more you’ll start recognizing the difference between real chemistry and anxiety.
What once felt like an intoxicating connection might now feel like a red flag. What used to feel boring may start to feel like peace.
As more women take a step back from centering men’s attention, here’s what they can expect to happen:-
- You will begin to ask better questions.
- You will begin to tune into your body.
- You will begin to recognize that love doesn’t have to feel like anxiety.
You don’t have to earn affection through over-functioning, and you shouldn’t have to interpret silence as mystery. You don’t have to feel exhausted to feel chosen.
Love and/or chemistry can be steady, reassuring, mutual, and easy. True love is not a battlefield.
Ola is the founder of Harmony Zone and Love & Self-Esteem, a platform dedicated to helping people break free from emotionally draining relationships and reconnect with their inner power. Learn more here…