Have you ever been in a situation where you show your partner how to do something, but no matter how many times you do this, he still does it badly?
In the end, you become so frustrated that you end up doing it yourself. Yet somehow, you’re the one who ends up apologizing for being “controlling.”
If this sounds familiar, there’s a name for it: weaponized incompetence.
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence is the pattern of performing helplessness, be it deliberately or habitually, to avoid responsibility, labor, or accountability.
Sometimes it’s not conscious, but it’s sure convenient. And in some cases, it can be so subtle, you’re not sure if that’s what’s going on or you’re just a “nagging” spouse.
What Does Weaponized Incompetence Look Like?
- Your partner makes such a poor job of a task that you eventually take over.
- Asking endless questions instead of learning once.
- Saying “I didn’t know you wanted me to do that” about something obvious.
Weaponized incompetence is a mental load that involves tracking everything. The emotional energy of explaining, correcting, and redoing is exhausting. Gradually, resentment builds as you realize you’re managing an adult.
These are just some of the things weaponized incompetence in a relationship costs you.
What Can You Do About It?
You don’t have to live with weaponized incompetence. There are several things you can do to deal with it. For instance:-
- Stop rescuing the task. If you take over the task every time, then the pattern holds. Instead, let the consequence of doing it badly land.
- Transfer ownership of the task fully. Do not micromanage it.
- Be direct about it, such as “I’ve noticed I end up doing this after showing you how. I don’t want to keep doing that.”
These are just a few things you can start doing immediately to rectify this situation in a relationship.
Weaponized Incompetence is one of the patterns explored in The Soft Recenter: Loving Without Losing Yourself.
The Soft Recenter is a modern A-to-Z guide that explores the patterns, dynamics, and implicit rules determining how women love and how they can end up losing themselves along the way.
If you’re interested in learning more about dating and relationship patterns and loving without losing yourself, grab the full book in paperback or Kindle format HERE.
You can also grab a free preview here if you’re not sure this is the right resource for you.
Ola is the founder of Harmony Zone and Love & Self-Esteem, a platform dedicated to helping people break free from emotionally draining relationships and reconnect with their inner power. Learn more here…