Do you know what a push-pull relationship is? Remember those moments you tell yourself this is the last time? That you won’t answer his text or fall for the same warm words, apologies, and familiar pull?
But then he says something that makes your stomach flip at the right moment, and he comes across as genuine. You think oh, it seems like he finally gets it. So you let him back in again.
A few days later, he pulls away again, and you start scrambling to figure out what you did wrong. You pursue, he runs. You’re the Wile E. Coyote to his Road Runner. You’re the Tom to his Jerry.
Welcome to your push-pull relationship life. Your nervous system must be exhausted by now.
What is a Push-Pull Relationship?
A push-pull relationship is exactly what it sounds like: one person pulls the other close, then pushes them away.
There’s a pattern of emotional intensity followed by withdrawal. It’s often unpredictable, inconsistent, and painfully confusing.
In the beginning, the push-pull feels like chemistry, and the distance makes you crave closeness.
The inconsistency makes you cling to the rare moments of warmth. The chaos keeps your nervous system on high alert, chasing breadcrumbs of attention and affection.
As I’ve mentioned in a few articles on this site, this isn’t love. It’s emotional whiplash.
Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of a Push-Pull Relationship
Push-pull relationships are hard to leave because they mirror something many of us learned early: that love is conditional, safety must be earned, and if we can just prove we’re enough, the other person will stay.
It’s not just the person you’re attached to, it’s the hope you’ve attached to them. You keep waiting for it to stabilize while your partner siphons your life energy.
You live for the good moments and try to survive the distance in the stressful moments. But this dynamic is a total mind fuck and keeps you performing like a circus monkey.
Constantly shrinking, waiting, hoping, analyzing, doubting yourself, trying to fix what you think is “wrong” with you, and what it is about you that’s “making” him behave that way.
12 Ways to Deal With a Push-Pull Relationship
1. Name the Pattern
You need to call it what it is: a cycle. You are not soulmates who can’t get it right.
It’s a dynamic rooted in emotional inconsistency, not deep connection.
2. Stop Blaming Yourself for the Distance
You didn’t cause the pullback. You didn’t say too much. You’re not too needy. His avoidance isn’t your fault, and it’s not your job to fix it.
3. Be Honest About How You Feel After the Highs
It’s easy to romanticize the “good” moments. But how do you feel when they fade? How long do the highs last before the doubt creeps in again?
4. Write Down the Pattern
I advocate for this a lot because it really helps. Create a timeline. When did they pull you in? When did they retreat?
What did you do each time to try to reconnect? This helps break the fantasy and brings you back to reality.
5. Stop Explaining Your Worth
You don’t need to convince someone that you’re worthy of consistency or keep proving you’re “understanding” or “chill.” You need peace.
6. Set a Time Limit for the Cycle
How long are you willing to keep doing this? Another month? Another year? Be honest. Then write it down. And when that time is up, decide.
7. Don’t Mistake “Missing Him” for a Sign to Go Back
You can miss someone and still know they’re not good for you. Going back to someone who destabilizes you and likes to mind fuck you is a choice.
8. Reclaim Your Emotional Focus
Start putting that energy back into you. When was the last time you checked in with your needs, outside the lens of his attention?
9. Block, Mute, Distance
Even if he didn’t “do something horrible.” If this person triggers self-doubt, erodes your confidence, or keeps reactivating the push-pull cycle, you’re allowed to walk away quietly and fully.
10. Relearn What Stability Feels Like
That initial consistency might feel boring, but that’s just your nervous system detoxing from all the chaos. What’s missing is panic, not passion.
11. Create a Reminder List
Write a list of every time this push-pull dynamic made you feel small, unsure, or confused. Read it every time the urge to go back hits.
12. Say These Out Loud
Sometimes we stay because we don’t believe better exists, or we don’t believe in our own power. But say it anyway.
- “I want more than mixed signals.”
- “I want more than being someone’s sometimes.”
- “I want more than this.”
Say it until you believe it, then act accordingly.
Push-pull relationships don’t resolve with more patience or better communication. They resolve when you realize your peace is worth more than all the manipulations.
You are good enough. You don’t need to live in limbo, holding your breath for the next push or pull. Waiting for him to choose you. Choose yourself and let the cycle end with you.
Want help breaking the cycle? Download the free Red Flag Checklist or grab the Say Less, Mean More Workbook for scripts, prompts, and tools to stop shrinking in emotionally confusing relationships.
Ola is the founder of Harmony Zone and Love & Self-Esteem, a platform dedicated to helping people break free from emotionally draining relationships and reconnect with their inner power. Learn more here…