The process of reaching out to your ex always starts with a seemingly harmless thought.
“I wonder how he’s doing.” Then comes “I just want closure.” Followed by “It wouldn’t hurt to say hi.”
Or the classics: “I just have a quick question,” or “Nothing wrong with being friends.”
Next thing you know, you’re hovering over the send button on a perfectly crafted text message or rereading the last thread you swore you’d never look at again.
If this is you right now, I want you to pause and breathe. I’ve been there more than once.
I’ve stared at my phone like it held the meaning of life. I’ve written and rewritten messages, searching for the perfect mix of casual and meaningful.
I’ve convinced myself I just needed answers, or closure, or one last moment of connection.
In that moment, I felt unsteady, vulnerable, maybe lonely and nostalgic, and convinced myself that texting him would relieve the ache.
It didn’t. I did a good job of embarrassing myself, though.
Do This Before Reaching Out to an Ex
Wanting to contact an ex is usually about the ache inside you that wants relief.
And the part of your brain that remembers the comfort, rituals, and dopamine hits believes he’s still the source of that.
But the same person who hurt you can’t be the one who heals you. The relationship that left you questioning your worth is not the place to find perspective. It’ll only reopen what you’ve been trying to close.
Before You Reach Out to an Ex, Do This Instead
1. Name What You’re Feeling
Before you do anything, pause and identify the feeling underneath the urge. Is it loneliness? Grief? Boredom? Curiosity? Insecurity?
Naming the feeling brings you back into yourself. It interrupts the automatic pattern of reaching out for external validation and helps you sit with what’s really happening inside you.
It’s human to want to reach out, but the desire to contact your ex is often about escape, not connection.
2. Write the Message, But Don’t Send It
Seriously. Open your notes app or grab a piece of paper. Write the whole thing. Say what you want to say and let it all out.
Then close the app or tear up the page. You can also take a screenshot and save it in a folder titled “never send.”
Instead of repressing your feelings, you’re letting them exist without handing them over to someone who’s not responsible for them anymore. This is for you. Not him.
3. Ask Yourself: What Do I Hope He’ll Say?
If you’re being real with yourself, what is the outcome you’re fantasizing about?
That he’ll apologize? Say he misses you, too? Validate your pain? Maybe want to get back together?
Now ask yourself, what happens if he doesn’t? Or he responds with coldness, indifference, or silence?
That is the risk you’re playing with every time you break no contact. The version of him in your head is rarely the one who shows up.
4. Redirect the Energy
You can’t just tell yourself not to do something and expect it to stick. You need to redirect that energy somewhere else.
Some great options for redirecting that I feel like contacting my ex energy includes:-
- Move your body. Walking, gym, home workout, etc.
- Call a friend who is on the same wavelength as you and talk about it.
- Vent in your journal.
- Read a nice, long epic collection.
- Take a long shower or bath with a candle, shower steamers, essential oils, and relaxing music.
- Bake something interesting. The internet is full of challenging recipes.
- Rage-clean your kitchen or entire apartment.
Do something that connects you to your present self, not your past attachment.
Every time you choose not to reach out, you’re strengthening your nervous system’s ability to self-soothe. That’s where healing and reclaiming your power start.
5. Remind Yourself What Broke You
If you’ve ever seen Self Made on Netflix, you might remember Octavia Spencer’s remark when her ex tried to make a comeback – “Never go back to what broke you.”
It’s hard, but necessary. The mind romanticizes, loops on the good times, and edits out the confusion, loneliness, crying on the bathroom floor, and the mind fucks.
Write a list of every way that the relationship made you feel small, anxious, dismissed, or invisible.
Keep that list close and look at it every time nostalgia tries to play a Jedi mind trick on you.
If you stick to these recommendations, I promise you will eventually stop caring about contacting him and focus on choosing yourself. That’s way better than closure.
For more resources, download the free Red Flag Checklist or grab the Say Less, Mean More Workbook for real-life scripts and tools to help you stay grounded in relationships.
Ola is the founder of Harmony Zone and Love & Self-Esteem, a platform dedicated to helping people break free from emotionally draining relationships and reconnect with their inner power. Learn more here…